your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
