I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
