Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
