Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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