I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
