Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
