Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They took my balls.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
