I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
