C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
