your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
not ubering you a puppy
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
