Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
