Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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