A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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