She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
