Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
