That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
