I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
