i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My ATM looks so different sober.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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