note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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