I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
