Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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