Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
