Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
