I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize