Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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