I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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