walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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