Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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