Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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