I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
