puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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