Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
