Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
