I faked an abortion last night.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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