the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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