how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize