I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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