Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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