We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
