Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
