I need help removing her.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
