Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
