I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
