Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
