did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
