I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
