No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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