All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
