you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
