I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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