So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
