if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
