Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
