my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
