People in love make me want to vomit
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
