I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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