my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
