theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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