Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
